The twins are nearly 18 months and the comments from random passers by are starting to grate. And when I say that I mean, that if someone else tells me I’ve got my hands full I will have to grate off my ears with a rusty cheese grater. Today I was trying to take them for a little walk to pick up their sister. It was the first time I’d taken both of them on the reins and I think we all did really well. Imagine two little toddlers who both want to go in different directions, at different speeds and want to stop and look at every new object. Now imagine me in the middle with my arms stretched as wide as Mr Tickle, or tied up in a knot when they decide to cross over.

It was a bit like this (not really but I love this photo)

Putting them in matching coats was a big mistake as everyone wanted to talk about them. I got the whole range of twin comments, from “are they twins?” to “you’ve got your hands full”. Although most people just gave me a pitying look and said, “you’re brave” whilst clearly meaning stupid.  I know people are interested in twins and just want to talk to you about them, so most of the time I don’t mind. One man did upset me though. Twin 2 was a little tired, so I picked her up, while we were waiting for the door to open. The man next to me said, “you need to get one of those random pushchairs. It’d be a lot easier, especially with the spoilt one.” I could write ten pages about why that comment was just plain wrong.

Don’t get me wrong though,  I love being told how adorable the twins are, as often as possible. However I end up having the same conversation again and again, as I’m sure all the other multiple mummies out there will testify. I don’t mind people saying these things, I think some of them are only natural. It just gets a little boring.

So to cheer myself up I’ve written some answers I’d like to give if only I wasn’t so polite.

You’ve got your hands full.
Really? Do you think I haven’t noticed? Actually they are completely empty.
Oh no – these aren’t my children. I just rent them by the hour.
No s%@t sherlock.

Are they twins?
No they just have the same birthday.
No they have different fathers.
No one is 6, just small for her age.

Is one a boy?
Yes but I like to dress them both in pink dresses so they don’t feel different.
No, but do you want to have a look and check?

Do you have any other children?
No but I’m expecting triplets
Yes, the one standing next to the twins.

Are you trying for a boy?
Yes, I want a boy so they can form a band like the Corrs.
Yes, I want to make it a round number.
Yes, but I’ve been told I can’t have boys, could you donate?

Yes, and if I have another girl I’m going to leave it in the woods.

Are there twins in the family?
Yes these ones.
Yes, everyone in my family for three generations is a twin.

Where you shocked when you found out?
No The Olsen twins came to me in a dream and told me that I would have twins.
No I made love twice in a row to get them.
No, but I have four nipples so I thought it was a possibility.

Are they identical?
I don’t know – look at them and see.

Were they IVF?
No they are actually clones.
No, but what is IVF exactly, can you describe it to me?
No, I have a video of the conception on my phone, do you want to watch it?

Did you have a natural birth?
Yes I have the video on my phone do you want to watch?
No I’ve got the scar to prove it – look.
No twins aren’t allowed to have a natural delivery, by law.

How do you cope?
Lots of vodka and non-prescription drugs.
I have two nannies, a maid and a cleaner, just like Angelina.
Cope what do you mean cope? I can’t take it any more. You have them.
It’s easy, how do you cope with your horrible kids/bad breath/affliction for asking stupid questions to complete strangers

Are they twins?

One day, just maybe I won’t just smile awkwardly and mumble something polite about double the cuddles. One day I might even say something like this. So don’t push me!

Are you ever asked any stupid questions? Twin mums reading this, please add any other things you would secretly love to say. I’d love to hear them.